Why I don't like chocolate...

I don't want to wake up one day and realise that I've lost my self. I don't want to get caught up in rapid changes and then one day, my one and only worry is which one of those little brats is going to do the dishes. I dont want to walk around waiting for someone to ask me how I am so I can finally trigger my tear glands and cry on cue. I don't want to be the person that would lose people because I don't have the energy to work on things with them. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to give away the family cat because someone told me I'm irresponsible for keeping a cat around when I have daughters. I don't want to care about things I know I don't care about now. I don't want to learn to watch movies after someone ruined them for me or told me anything about the story. I don't want to. I don't want to start liking chocolate because everyone says it's so amazing.

What is it with chocolate anyway? I mean I can appreciate a good cup of hot chocolate (oh and a tip: try adding a pinch of hot chilli to hot chocolate. You won't regret it), can't say anything about that. But seriously.. why chocolate? why not cheese? and why not sour lollipops. why not passion fruit? Why chocolate? why something that sweet? why not something less boring and more intense. why not something exciting? why something so.. so.. easy to understand? life is not like that. it's not that sweet and simple. It's lovable, but not that boring and not that good.

I can't get the image of her smiling out of my head. it's all I see everytime I let my mind drift to the thought of her. All I see is the image of her laughing, her incredibly loud laugh echoeing in the streets of egypt. Her eyes as beautiful as always, have tears in them. I don't know what to do when I see her. Everytime I try to imagine it, I find it hard to breathe and see right again. I don't think I was ever this scared of seeing someone I love before. It's been long, longer than I thought this silence would last. Everytime I go to sleep I meet her. And even then I always break down and cry. But I can't cry when I see her this time, I can't cry on her wedding day. I can't do that. I just realised that now that she's getting married, chances of me and her being friends like we used to be have become very slim. I never really understood why she stopped talking to me. She always seemed to care more about me than she showed. And the thought that I might have cared about her more than she cared about me is scary. For the first time in about 6 years, I feel like I'm worth absolutely nothing to someone I love. I hate the fact that I'm crying. And I hate being this person who would dwell on something I lost almost a year ago, but I've never talked about this before. I am so rediculously happy, she's finally found the person she wanted to find. The person that will give her more than he asks of her. The person that will understand her, and understand that she really isnt crazy. Someone that will know what I knew. Someone that will see that she should have songs and books and endless paintings all created about her. I sometimes wish I would just stop dreaming about her every single time I fall asleep, and other days I wish the dreams were longer.

If this is what life is really like, if people are really supposed to be like this, then I dont want it. I don't want it all. I don't want to ever find sense in the abandonment of a friend.

I guess I've said enough about the half empty glass. I will be up again screaming away about the half full one as soon as I have the energy to let any good thing sink into my system.