Sally's Face

There's a certain vulnerability about rage, that just gets to me more than it should. Anger, and the rush of power that comes along with it, frightens me. I've never given myself the full right to be angry, there's always a sense of guilt accompanying it. And at that point, that makes me even angrier.

When I was a kid, my mother used to call me "7erro". As much as it makes me laugh, it makes sense. By 7erro she meant that I always got angry, but I took it out on my self. She used to tell me that the more I let my temper get the best of me, the more it'll chip away bits of my heart and soul. I remember the first time I ever did something self-destructive. I was five, and we were on vacation somewhere. Dad told me to pack my things because vacation is over and we have to go back home. So I waited for him to walk out of the room and I started crying. When I realised that the fact that I cried won't change anything, I felt about 6 consecutive pops in the center of my chest. I clenched my fists and contracted every muscle in my body for about 10 seconds. I remember feeling like the anger building up inside of me would take too much time and energy to express. So in order for it too cool off, I had to push myself over the edge. So, without even thinking, with two fingernails I pinched my right cheek, just below my left eye, until I couldnt handle the pain. I let go of my cheek, and took 3 deep breaths. Then I packed my things and we all went home. When I got home I felt a stinging pain on my face. I'd completely forgotten what had happened 2 hours prior. So I looked in the mirror and I saw two little scars filled with dried blood on my left cheek.

I need to get back in control, because I am not that little girl anymore.

"Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't never gonna burn my heart out
And So, sally can wait
She's knows it's too late as she's walking on by
Her soul slides Away
Don't look back in Anger
I heard you Say"

Oasis - Don't look back in anger

Aly Genena, Thank you for reminding me of how much I love this song, I'll sing it some day inshaa'allah.
Omar K Hegazy, Thank you for always reading my blog, and you were right about everything today.
Omar Abhar, Sometimes I post new blog entries just because I know you'll read them, Thanks for making my month*

The non-human category:
Dina Abdelhafiz, you have no idea how perfect your timing was with that txt message, it saved my life.
Nada, you're not people, you're an organ.. haha I love how you'll laugh at this like I just laughed when I wrote it. thank you.

And shady sadat, That S on your chest is so bright, it could blind someone! Thank you for being what you are.


Julie Farouk, if it weren't for you, I would've given up.

"But You Don't Really Care for Music, Do Ya?" - Inspired By Lee Dewyze and Reham Kandil's Laugh

There's so much more to life than people can really see. They think they do, and they don't think twice about any of it. But they can't really see anything. They laugh at us, they watch us running in circles and they laugh. They stare and they giggle. They stare and they nudge eachother. They watch us driving ourselves crazy over things that don't exist. But they do exist. And those circles they watch us running in, that's the path that they can never see. We hear bells, we hear bells and spoons being tapped against windows, and all they can hear is themselves. We're catching raindrops on our tongues and they're staring at the sky waiting for clouds. We're chasing lightening and they're afraid it would strike them. How could that ever make sense to them?

Maybe what I believe in is just too big to put into words, and maybe I'm not even exactly sure what it is yet. All I know is, I shouldn't be anywhere else right now.

There's something so strong yet vulnerable about a human laugh. It's strong because it breaks through air, and it's vulnerable because it's out of control. I've heard so many different types of laughs. But it's the type that takes you off guard that always locks me in a daze. There's this certain type of laugh. You hear it and you think nothing of it. And then a while later, you hear it again, loud and clear, in your head this time. And it gets you thinking, was it really that loud? or did I stretch it out from it's corners and place it back in the center of my mind? And all you could do is look at the person, and wonder if a laugh that loud, could come out of that person. And soon you're thinking maybe you underestimated their strength, because that laugh would not come out of someone you thought doesn't exist on some level.

Julie farouk held my hand today, for the first time since the accident. I don't think I can stand anymore, I don't want to, until she's standing with me.

"One and One and One is three"

Apparently, I posted a blog a few days back titled "Nasna3 mel 7adeed selsal" I have no recollection of such a post, so again, I must be back to my sleep writing. When I was a more regular writer, Id wake up in the morning and find full paragraphs written on my arms or legs. Other days I'd find notes posted on facebook. And my favorite, was when I'd find a random piece of paper in a shoe or under my bed, with random sentences written on it.

Julie nodded today. Nodding is good. Nodding will always be good from now until the end of time. just like pens and pencils and papers and Glue. They will always be good aswell. Somethings are just more valuable than we can see. And right now, A nod, was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

I don't feel like saying anything..

Nasna3 Mel 7adeed Selsal.

We are what everyone else wishes they could be. We are chests of secrets, treasures, poison, pain, and gold. We are what everyone else can't be. We are what everyone else is afraid to be. We are who we choose to be. We are free.