The Art of Giving In to Gravity.

I have two followers.. TWO! yay... two people want to get notified when I have more blabbering to scribble onto here. I find that flattering. Really =] I think I might be going bald. And I'm new to the whole little hair on my head from the front section of my scalp thing. I was always the girl with 3 shades of brown away from a lion's mane. But things change, don't they? And I know how to stop my hair from completely falling off of my head.. I'm just careless. I know that if I stop treating it like it's the strongest part of my body, and pulling it out when I'm nervous, It'll be fine. I also know that if I tend to it more, and make that visit to the hairdresser every four weeks to have it trimmed, it'll be fine. And I know that if I wash it less, and if I use better conditioner, it'll be fine. But I just don't do it.

Just like how I know that if I concentrate in class for once in my life, I'll get the sacred "EMTEYAZ". I also know that if I kept one notebook for the whole semester instead of 3, It would make it easier to find my notes. And I know that if I'd studied for one hour every day, I wouldn't need to study 9 chapters of economics 4 days before the final. And one thing I'm sure of, If I actually study the 9 chapters in those 4 days, things will not be so bad. But no, I have to waste three days out of the four. I try to convince myself, when I'm sitting there trying to process a semester's worth of information in 6 hours (oh yea.. not even 24), that this keeps happening because in the back of my mind, I love the excitement of doing everything in the last minute. And that if I hadn't pushed all of this to the last minute, I wouldn't do any better, because I wouldn't remember anything on the exam day anyway. And for a moment there, that automatic "Yeah.. Right, whatever makes you sleep at night" recording that usually responds as fast as one of those quacking rubber ducks defaults. And it happens to start working again the second I get my examination paper. And as I claw back the thought of tears I have a pressing wish in my circus of a mind. Not going back in time, no, but I find my self wishing I'd not let this happen again. And unlike most wishes, I always find a way to not let this particular wish come true.

You know what's hilarious about this? I still truly believe that I can change the world, or at least this country. But as my own version of Nesma nafea's quote says. "da isA lama el samak yerkab beskelleta". Right at this moment, my life actually boiled down to the image of a fish, maybe a blow fish because that just makes it funnier, riding into the sunset on a bicycle. And just for this hint of a moment, My idea of hope is that actually happening somehow. But I still haven't given up on my self. Because as pathetic as all of this may seem, I still manage to laugh at myself, and I still have the energy to derive an image of a blow fish, wearing a hat, and sunglasses, riding away on a bicycle out of all of this.

The truth is, I'm terrified that I really am that weak insignificant mute little girl that I keep locked away in the corner of my mind. I'm afraid that one day, when I'm older, I look back and laugh at myself now. And not the "I can;t believe I was that confused, haha" laugh. Rather, the cynical "I can't believe I actually had hope, meh" laugh, is the laugh that scares me. I'm scared of being older, and trying to remember what exactly I was thinking when I decided that I will reject any opportunity I am offered (which happen to be alot by the way) to get out of this country. I am afraid of my certainty that I was made for a reason. I catch myself EVERYDAY, getting images of my own death, and the scary part is not death, its the idea of dying before I can lay down on the floor somewhere, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and say to myself "This is what you were born to do, this is why you went through everything you went through, this why you had to make all these mistakes, to get here. this is why you are needed... It was worth the wait"

I'm so little, I really am. And I hate to make myself believe that I'm bigger than I am. But I'm little for now. I hope I'm little for now. And I hope I'm getting in my own way now, so I can learn to get out of my own way later.

"But you're neither friend or foe, though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know, is that you're keeping me down" - Gravity (Sara Bareilles)

The Weakness Behind My Independence

Hey there blog reading people. I am here again, and I've reset my password for the 6th time this month. It's not exactly easy to remember all my thirty-something passwords to all the different accounts. But after reading Safeya's blog, and her first entry, I felt an unstoppable urge to see what my first blog entry was. And I realised I actually have four blogs. I seriously have to stop this vicious cycle, like right now. Before I forget, Safeya, yes! People who just enjoy making themselves feeling pathetic are getting old, and they should be shot dead. And though I'm not exactly one to judge, because I was one of those people, now that those days are long gone, I think I deserved to be shot dead back then too.

I think this blog is a disgrace, maybe this entry is not so bad, but as a part time editor I should know how to make an entry look good. I just looked at the entries before this one, I wanted to burn them. I always do that, I always know how to fix other people, and I have no idea how to fix me.

I believe that if people were to be unhappy or miserable, they could write about it, sing about it, draw about it, talk about it, but they don't have the right to live about it. I hate the fact that that last sentence has to be grammatically incorrect in order for me to prove my point. Sometimes I wonder how many wrong bridges I'd cross just to prove an over blown point. How many people will I push away just to prove I'm independent? How many annoying people will I endure just to prove that I believe everyone deserves a second chance? How many numbers will I change before I finally admit that I really want to cut off alot of people out of my life? How many pop songs will I not listen to, to prove that I'm a strict rock fan. How many Idiots will I listen to just to prove that I'm patient? How many twists and turns will I make my brain do just to prove that I'm flexible? And the thing that really has me spending that extra fifteen minutes in the shower thinking about everything and nothing, is that I'm not really trying to prove any of this to anyone but myself.

*sigh*... For the past year, I've been chasing around my female friends urging them to not get into any relationships, and maybe they could wait a couple of years before they commit. Because I believe a commitment can't really be made unless you already know what else you want to do with you're life, then you can factor a partner into that. There were two major girls that I was focusing my efforts of persuasion on. One of them is now in a relationship, and so is the other, but the other one is claiming to be in love yet she's not in a relationship. Convincing, isn't she?
It may seem a little weird that I give a rat's ass about whether or not my friends getting into relationships or not, but there's logic behind it.

One can not learn to love another, Until they learn to love their self.
One can not learn to depend on others, or let others depend on them, unless they learn to depend on them selves.

so now both these girls are involved in some sort of romance, and one seems happy, the other loves running in circles (and she's happy xD). And I still think I'm right. I'm happy they're happy, but I don't think I'll ever be able to do that, just let go and let my happiness be linked to someone else.. not now at least, not until I have other things that can make me happy, then I can share them with someone. Enough for today, I'm sot sure what I'm saying. Goodnight.