I'm turning eighteen on the fourteenth of march. It's not cool by the way. I'm trying to be okay with it. I need all the support I can get these days, but everytime I try to reach out, I remember how hard it is to be asked for help when you your self need help. And everyone I know currently has their own "thing". The ones that don't have their own little battle to fight, happen to be on my nerves. yea, not even getting on them, they're on them.
Almun is starting again on Friday inshaa'allah, and I seriously can't wait. I miss everyone there and I miss talking about things that matter for a change. Amgad is moving out on the third of march inshaa'allah, and from then on, it just me, mom, and dad.
speaking of mom and dad, I have to go.
P.S: Unicef could actually be home. not Almun's unicef, the real one. it could be. it really could be.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Those Evil Evil Clowns with their Wicked Red Noses.
The one time I came face to face with someone dressed as a clown, I tried to squeeze his nose expecting that hilarious squeaky sound I heard in cartoons. I squeezed too hard and I ended up pulling it off of his nose, and it didnt even make a sound. Actually, the nose was part of a mask, a rubber mask. So I ended up pulling off the whole clown face, and exposing the clown's face. His name was Damien, one of the housekeepers we had in zambia. You'd think that a girl turning 8, the same girl that had already started trying to figure out the meaning of life, would know that its not a real clown. But no, I actually thought it was a clown. One like I saw on television. I don't think I've ever laughed at anything a clown did ever since then.
My laugh has changed this year. It's louder and more glass shattering than ever before. It sounds like a mountain lion being run over by a train if you ask me. And I always think everyone's looking at me when I laugh in public, even though I'm sure people don;t have enough time on their hands to pause everything they're doing to stare at the girl with the scary laugh. but I guess I don't mind, and Its okay. My laugh always did change every year, and this year was alot like my laugh, so its perfect and I'm happy about it. so people at hardees and macdonalds and the streets of cairo, stare all you want.
I just noticed that I was worrying about peole staring at me when I laugh. I kind of forgot the little piece of information that I actually walk around making animal noises (barking, meowing, baaahing, and quacking.. etc.) and sometimes I even aim at people's ears. I can bark on cue, and it's funny how I'm actually proud of that.
I had my first long phone call in about a year. I talked to Mona bassel on the phone for about two hours today, and It was me doing most of the talking. I'm not worried about her these days, that's a first.. hehe. She really is the chocolate sprinkles on my life. I love her, all of her, the crazy over reacting, hyperventilating over nothing, posessive, sweet, hilarious, irritating parts of her.
I'm off to read more of Love, Rosie by cecelia ahern.
oh and for some reason, I'm downloading pink's discography. is that normal?
oh and can someone please let me know how I can spell check my posts now? because the layout changed and I can't find the spell checker anymore, And I need it, for your sake not mine =)
My laugh has changed this year. It's louder and more glass shattering than ever before. It sounds like a mountain lion being run over by a train if you ask me. And I always think everyone's looking at me when I laugh in public, even though I'm sure people don;t have enough time on their hands to pause everything they're doing to stare at the girl with the scary laugh. but I guess I don't mind, and Its okay. My laugh always did change every year, and this year was alot like my laugh, so its perfect and I'm happy about it. so people at hardees and macdonalds and the streets of cairo, stare all you want.
I just noticed that I was worrying about peole staring at me when I laugh. I kind of forgot the little piece of information that I actually walk around making animal noises (barking, meowing, baaahing, and quacking.. etc.) and sometimes I even aim at people's ears. I can bark on cue, and it's funny how I'm actually proud of that.
I had my first long phone call in about a year. I talked to Mona bassel on the phone for about two hours today, and It was me doing most of the talking. I'm not worried about her these days, that's a first.. hehe. She really is the chocolate sprinkles on my life. I love her, all of her, the crazy over reacting, hyperventilating over nothing, posessive, sweet, hilarious, irritating parts of her.
I'm off to read more of Love, Rosie by cecelia ahern.
oh and for some reason, I'm downloading pink's discography. is that normal?
oh and can someone please let me know how I can spell check my posts now? because the layout changed and I can't find the spell checker anymore, And I need it, for your sake not mine =)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Al Raqessa Walteneen*
So this week wasn't any easier than the one before it. TA-DA! but I managed to squint my eyes and smile through this one. If you know me, you'd know that I have two smiles. My smile, the normal one, the one you'd see in pictures. And the smile I have on my face when Im greeting someone I don't know or dont like. I squint my eyes and I have a little too much tooth exposure and my chin points out like an arrow. so in case you're wondering (you're probably not wondering, I know), this week seemed more like a year, and everyday I had more ups and downs than usual. I laughed alot, but I did more of my squinty smile than I usually do in a month.
Why is it so hard to believe that when I'm writing, and someone calls, it really is worth rejecting the phone call? And it's funny how many high fives I ignored from my brother, and consequently he can't help himslef everytime he notices I'm writing. The second I start writing he decides to either tickle me or ask me to make him hot chocolate or sometimes just placing his head on my shoulder and pretending to read aloud what I'm writing. And most of the time what I'm writing isn't private, but seriously, I can't think of a distraction worse than the head on shoulder thing.
Ive been wondering for the last couple of days if I'm the only one who doesn't enjoy appreciating the same things that others enjoy appreciating. Like the smell of coffee in the morning, I think it's amazing, yet I hate to state that because it's stated in like most movies, and everyone says it all the time. I'd rather go on and on about why I think rats and mice are cute, than saying I think puppies are lovable. puppies are adorable, fine I get it. Move on. Why does this paragraph remind me of Omar Abhar??
Speaking of Omar Abhar, we had a little incident when we went to the book fair. The day was bumpy and everyone was all over the place and my temper was out of control. And though normally a day like that would "Yefselny" from Omar abhar and any other person that was within a 10 K.M radius from where I was standing. For some reason, I'm a bigger Omar Abhar fan now than I was before that day.
so now that I'm here, I just have to Comment on our beloved brothers, Arar sandod, Abo El leef, and Ahmed spider. If you're not familiar with them, you're missing out. Seriously. You're missing out on the concept of stripping yourself of any values, or self respect or simply a freaking brain. These people, as irritating and rediculous as they are, I respect them. Not because they're "talent" is respectable, oh god no. But because they had the courage to make complete fools out of themselves and they still choose to appear in public. Seriously, how is it possible to not admire Arar sandod's perseverence, this whole thing started last valentine's day, And I don't think a soul in egypt has been cussed at more than Arar Sandod. And he's actually back for more this valentine's day. It just triggers thoughts like.. If only that kind of spirit was placed into something more useful for himself and the people around him. Let's assume these people do this for the attention, is it his fault or ours that we'll pay more attention to an idiot that thinks he's talented and is actually barely even human than we'd pay to someone and came out and said "Hey, I want to make this world a better place". It's actually our fault. So when someone like Abo el leef comes out and sings the "inspiring" words:
"Bet7ebeny, laa ashokk.
Meen dol elli 3al "fesbok",
law mashelteesh el 3yal di, 3alek hassokk.
wana, ana mesh 5orong, la laa laaa ana king kong,
dana wana rabet eedy bal3ab Ping Pong.
Mesh ebn hanem wala ebn lord, etfadaly haty el "bass bort",
dana aragoz metrabby fi serk, mesh 3ayel kawerk."
We can't really blame him, can we? some argue that the attention we give to these people is negative, so it isn't our fault. Actually, All they want is attention, they don't care whether it's negative or positive. They just want to be seen. They want to feel like they exist. It's intoxicating and I don't think it's fair to blame them. People have been asking me I have Arar sandod and Ahmed spider on my facebook contact list. And well, if Abo El leef had a profile I would've added him too, but sadly he doesnt.
It could be hard for people to understand, but I had to see the "normal" side of them. And I should have you know that these people are human on some level. they have lives, they wake up in the morning, they spend time with their families and the go to sleep at night. just like the rest of us. Arar sandod, actually has fans. And he has friends who happen to support him like crazy. And when you talk to him, if you didn't know that this person is THE arar sandod, you'd actually think he's a normal egyptian guy. Incase you have no Idea who Arar sandod is, here are three links to three out of 7 of his videos, I wouldn't advise you to read the comments though, they contain some serious prfanities.
1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn4vtt5NnGA&feature=channel
2) (My personal favorite =D) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBpiTrhPWT8&feature=channel
3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03pMOn-LSRc
Enough from me today. And certainly enough about the people who have dragged art to hell. :)
Why is it so hard to believe that when I'm writing, and someone calls, it really is worth rejecting the phone call? And it's funny how many high fives I ignored from my brother, and consequently he can't help himslef everytime he notices I'm writing. The second I start writing he decides to either tickle me or ask me to make him hot chocolate or sometimes just placing his head on my shoulder and pretending to read aloud what I'm writing. And most of the time what I'm writing isn't private, but seriously, I can't think of a distraction worse than the head on shoulder thing.
Ive been wondering for the last couple of days if I'm the only one who doesn't enjoy appreciating the same things that others enjoy appreciating. Like the smell of coffee in the morning, I think it's amazing, yet I hate to state that because it's stated in like most movies, and everyone says it all the time. I'd rather go on and on about why I think rats and mice are cute, than saying I think puppies are lovable. puppies are adorable, fine I get it. Move on. Why does this paragraph remind me of Omar Abhar??
Speaking of Omar Abhar, we had a little incident when we went to the book fair. The day was bumpy and everyone was all over the place and my temper was out of control. And though normally a day like that would "Yefselny" from Omar abhar and any other person that was within a 10 K.M radius from where I was standing. For some reason, I'm a bigger Omar Abhar fan now than I was before that day.
so now that I'm here, I just have to Comment on our beloved brothers, Arar sandod, Abo El leef, and Ahmed spider. If you're not familiar with them, you're missing out. Seriously. You're missing out on the concept of stripping yourself of any values, or self respect or simply a freaking brain. These people, as irritating and rediculous as they are, I respect them. Not because they're "talent" is respectable, oh god no. But because they had the courage to make complete fools out of themselves and they still choose to appear in public. Seriously, how is it possible to not admire Arar sandod's perseverence, this whole thing started last valentine's day, And I don't think a soul in egypt has been cussed at more than Arar Sandod. And he's actually back for more this valentine's day. It just triggers thoughts like.. If only that kind of spirit was placed into something more useful for himself and the people around him. Let's assume these people do this for the attention, is it his fault or ours that we'll pay more attention to an idiot that thinks he's talented and is actually barely even human than we'd pay to someone and came out and said "Hey, I want to make this world a better place". It's actually our fault. So when someone like Abo el leef comes out and sings the "inspiring" words:
"Bet7ebeny, laa ashokk.
Meen dol elli 3al "fesbok",
law mashelteesh el 3yal di, 3alek hassokk.
wana, ana mesh 5orong, la laa laaa ana king kong,
dana wana rabet eedy bal3ab Ping Pong.
Mesh ebn hanem wala ebn lord, etfadaly haty el "bass bort",
dana aragoz metrabby fi serk, mesh 3ayel kawerk."
We can't really blame him, can we? some argue that the attention we give to these people is negative, so it isn't our fault. Actually, All they want is attention, they don't care whether it's negative or positive. They just want to be seen. They want to feel like they exist. It's intoxicating and I don't think it's fair to blame them. People have been asking me I have Arar sandod and Ahmed spider on my facebook contact list. And well, if Abo El leef had a profile I would've added him too, but sadly he doesnt.
It could be hard for people to understand, but I had to see the "normal" side of them. And I should have you know that these people are human on some level. they have lives, they wake up in the morning, they spend time with their families and the go to sleep at night. just like the rest of us. Arar sandod, actually has fans. And he has friends who happen to support him like crazy. And when you talk to him, if you didn't know that this person is THE arar sandod, you'd actually think he's a normal egyptian guy. Incase you have no Idea who Arar sandod is, here are three links to three out of 7 of his videos, I wouldn't advise you to read the comments though, they contain some serious prfanities.
1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn4vtt5NnGA&feature=channel
2) (My personal favorite =D) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBpiTrhPWT8&feature=channel
3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03pMOn-LSRc
Enough from me today. And certainly enough about the people who have dragged art to hell. :)
Friday, February 12, 2010
The red apple, and the triangle.
Why is It that I can never sleep when I'm sick? I know people that sleep 24/7 when they're sick. Well I'm sick and I didnt get any sleep in 2 days. Well actually I slept for one hour, half of it was on my sister's couch, the other half hour was in the car on the way back home. When I finally get to sleep when I'm sick, I always get one of those fevered dreams. You know, those dreams where it seems like the whole universe is saying everything they want to say at once, in your ears. Another thing, when I'm sick, my left eye always seems wider than my right eye. I don't think there's a medical explanation for that, maybe they;re always that way and when Im sick I have so much time on my hands that I actually notice pathetic little details.
For the past 2 weeks my life seemed to crash a thousand little crashes and curl the wrecks into little piles of nothings. I watched them roll and meet at the same spot at my feet. And now that I'm here, I can;t help but to laugh at how all I have left is myself. Everything I thought I had, everything I thought I'd achieved, everything is down there at my feet. And I really don't mind right now. Because things are meant to change, And every once in a while, the blocks you set up to build the wrong thing fall apart on their own, because the foundation was never right in the first place. so here I am, impatiently waiting for something that will point in the right direction.
I had a very fascinating conversation with Shehab E. Ali. which actually made me doubt everything I know. Not because I was convinced by anything he said, oh hell no. But actually because HE was so convinced by it all. I looked him straight in the eye and told him he was wrong about everything he ever stood for, and he didn't even have to think before he shot back "I'm right" at me. Though I'm pretty sure he had no Idea what he was talking about, that's a different story. But what startled me, and brought me to tears, was how sure he was of what he was saying. All of us truly think we're right, and it's very hard for us to believe otherwise. Whatever it is we're thinking, it makes sense to us. That's why it's there. If it doesn't make sense to others, we still think we're right. We know best. We've been through what taught us that we know best. And there's always someone that will disagree. And the scary part is, I could very easily be him. I could live with a thought in my head long enough to never give it a chance to shake itself out of my head.
A pink floyd pin found it's way to me a week ago. And I was surprised at how easily I let it into my life. Very few people have an idea what that pin could mean to me, And I'm keeping it that way. I smile at how easy it was to buy it, I can't say the same about owning it though, that's uncomfortable to say the least.
I've been reading twighlight for the past three weeks, just to figure out why this would be every teenager's favorite book. And I am seriously bored out of my mind. okay, I have to admit that Edward cullen's one charming vampire, but I'd chose fitzwilliam darcy (from pride and prejudice) any day. The eye-crossing part about this whole thing, is bella. I mean seriously, look at Elizabeth (again, a pride and prejudice reference) she's smart, witty, kind, SMART again. seriously, where's the creativity in writing a character like bella. What is so fascinating about a teenage girl that trips more than she talks. And seriously how does the author expect us to believe that they just fell inlove after talking twice. and by the way, VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE. back to bella, I don't think a person like her deserves to be loved. It just doesnt make sense, she can't stand on her own two feet, both literally and metaphorically. I guess I'm being harsh on her. This is just my feminist self taking over the keyboard. I guess all of this would've been more tolerable if teenagers had kept their mouths shut about it. Just like the jonas brothers, I actually believe they aren't that bad. What makes them obnoxious is the hype. Enough about that..
And enough from me today, go be your productive selves.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Why I don't like chocolate...
I don't want to wake up one day and realise that I've lost my self. I don't want to get caught up in rapid changes and then one day, my one and only worry is which one of those little brats is going to do the dishes. I dont want to walk around waiting for someone to ask me how I am so I can finally trigger my tear glands and cry on cue. I don't want to be the person that would lose people because I don't have the energy to work on things with them. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to give away the family cat because someone told me I'm irresponsible for keeping a cat around when I have daughters. I don't want to care about things I know I don't care about now. I don't want to learn to watch movies after someone ruined them for me or told me anything about the story. I don't want to. I don't want to start liking chocolate because everyone says it's so amazing.
What is it with chocolate anyway? I mean I can appreciate a good cup of hot chocolate (oh and a tip: try adding a pinch of hot chilli to hot chocolate. You won't regret it), can't say anything about that. But seriously.. why chocolate? why not cheese? and why not sour lollipops. why not passion fruit? Why chocolate? why something that sweet? why not something less boring and more intense. why not something exciting? why something so.. so.. easy to understand? life is not like that. it's not that sweet and simple. It's lovable, but not that boring and not that good.
I can't get the image of her smiling out of my head. it's all I see everytime I let my mind drift to the thought of her. All I see is the image of her laughing, her incredibly loud laugh echoeing in the streets of egypt. Her eyes as beautiful as always, have tears in them. I don't know what to do when I see her. Everytime I try to imagine it, I find it hard to breathe and see right again. I don't think I was ever this scared of seeing someone I love before. It's been long, longer than I thought this silence would last. Everytime I go to sleep I meet her. And even then I always break down and cry. But I can't cry when I see her this time, I can't cry on her wedding day. I can't do that. I just realised that now that she's getting married, chances of me and her being friends like we used to be have become very slim. I never really understood why she stopped talking to me. She always seemed to care more about me than she showed. And the thought that I might have cared about her more than she cared about me is scary. For the first time in about 6 years, I feel like I'm worth absolutely nothing to someone I love. I hate the fact that I'm crying. And I hate being this person who would dwell on something I lost almost a year ago, but I've never talked about this before. I am so rediculously happy, she's finally found the person she wanted to find. The person that will give her more than he asks of her. The person that will understand her, and understand that she really isnt crazy. Someone that will know what I knew. Someone that will see that she should have songs and books and endless paintings all created about her. I sometimes wish I would just stop dreaming about her every single time I fall asleep, and other days I wish the dreams were longer.
If this is what life is really like, if people are really supposed to be like this, then I dont want it. I don't want it all. I don't want to ever find sense in the abandonment of a friend.
I guess I've said enough about the half empty glass. I will be up again screaming away about the half full one as soon as I have the energy to let any good thing sink into my system.
What is it with chocolate anyway? I mean I can appreciate a good cup of hot chocolate (oh and a tip: try adding a pinch of hot chilli to hot chocolate. You won't regret it), can't say anything about that. But seriously.. why chocolate? why not cheese? and why not sour lollipops. why not passion fruit? Why chocolate? why something that sweet? why not something less boring and more intense. why not something exciting? why something so.. so.. easy to understand? life is not like that. it's not that sweet and simple. It's lovable, but not that boring and not that good.
I can't get the image of her smiling out of my head. it's all I see everytime I let my mind drift to the thought of her. All I see is the image of her laughing, her incredibly loud laugh echoeing in the streets of egypt. Her eyes as beautiful as always, have tears in them. I don't know what to do when I see her. Everytime I try to imagine it, I find it hard to breathe and see right again. I don't think I was ever this scared of seeing someone I love before. It's been long, longer than I thought this silence would last. Everytime I go to sleep I meet her. And even then I always break down and cry. But I can't cry when I see her this time, I can't cry on her wedding day. I can't do that. I just realised that now that she's getting married, chances of me and her being friends like we used to be have become very slim. I never really understood why she stopped talking to me. She always seemed to care more about me than she showed. And the thought that I might have cared about her more than she cared about me is scary. For the first time in about 6 years, I feel like I'm worth absolutely nothing to someone I love. I hate the fact that I'm crying. And I hate being this person who would dwell on something I lost almost a year ago, but I've never talked about this before. I am so rediculously happy, she's finally found the person she wanted to find. The person that will give her more than he asks of her. The person that will understand her, and understand that she really isnt crazy. Someone that will know what I knew. Someone that will see that she should have songs and books and endless paintings all created about her. I sometimes wish I would just stop dreaming about her every single time I fall asleep, and other days I wish the dreams were longer.
If this is what life is really like, if people are really supposed to be like this, then I dont want it. I don't want it all. I don't want to ever find sense in the abandonment of a friend.
I guess I've said enough about the half empty glass. I will be up again screaming away about the half full one as soon as I have the energy to let any good thing sink into my system.
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