The Set Back

David And Goliath.
why do I know nothing of that story? I have never heard anything about it before. I keep hearing people referring to it and all I know is that Goliath was a giant. Wasn't he? I should read more. I mean, I read. But I read fiction, and I read more than most people I know. Wait no, Yasmine Fayez reads more than ANYONE I know. what was my point? ah, I need to read more. I've missed out on too many "Everyone knows that" things. But I have to admit that I know about western culture and history double what I know about Egyptian culture and history. And probably ten times what I know about Arabic Culture and history.



Before I forget, I need to say something. The one thing that upsets Nancy Agram is when she opens the refrigerator and doesn't find yogurt. Lactel Marketing Manager, please get hit by a bus.



I know why I haven't been writing and it's not because I'm busy. I haven't been writing because the moment I start pulling open the drawers of my mind, stuff starts bursting out of locked closets and it takes days, if not months to fold everything up and put it back in. Even when I do manage to do that, in this case, everyone has already seen the piles bursting out onto the floor.



I am at a point where I am doubting everything I have ever concluded. Most of the things I worked to make peace with are acting up again and I don't have it in me to remember how I even started taming it all. I know too little of this world to start releasing words of wisdom, I understand nothing and I know that no one else does. What really scares me, is the existence of humans that walk around this world with no intention of attempting to understand it. If they don't ask questions then what do they do?



At least those teenage girls that write article after article about the boys they love, once loved, or will love, are thinking about something. As much as I'm tired of reading the same words rephrased by a hundreds of girls, and sometimes boys, over and over again, I am glad they are thinking about something.



I've figured out that I'm not strong and I never have been. I am stronger than weak, I know that much. But that's as far as it goes. I do what I have to do to survive. And I do what I have to do to keep myself thinking, to keep myself asking questions, and to keep myself alive.



"I’ve taken the same ride too many times.



I could fall asleep in the loop.
I know the clowns wipe the fake, makeup smiles off their faces once the show is done.
I know the lions sleep in cages at night.
I know the tightrope walkers have blisters on their feet.
I know the ringmaster doesn’t believe in what he yells to the crowd anymore.
I know the strongman, isn’t as strong as he once was.
I know the candy floss has always been, just sugar and air." - Iain Thomas - The Circus is Cheaper When It Rains.
http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2010/10/circus-is-cheaper-when-it-rains-music.html

I am no longer afraid of quoting someone else. We are all very little people, with our eyes fixed on the rear view mirror. And we know nothing of importance. We know nothing.

Do you know who you're talking to? No, you don't.

Following Through

I am tempted to just give it a rest. To just stop. That way, I'd have one less thing to have to follow through with. I promised my self to write here until there's actually a better place to write. But with everything that's been going on, very little seems to be clear enough to actually be put into words. I'm not used to just telling what's been happening, I write here to release feelings and to let go of facts I wouldn't know how to free if I tried saying them outloud. And I can't do that write now. Because I don't know how I feel about anything. All I know is that my sister had her baby, Yassin, on 2:57 p.m tuesday 12/10/2010. And that I am now the director of the civil rights and freedoms committee in the egyptian national child's rights observatory. I also know that I have two subject that I know absolutely nothing about -Finance and statistics. And I know that I'm taking one subject that I was apparently born to study, because I seem to instinctively know everything about it. - Legal Environment.

And my eye is swollen. so, yeah.. Great. This is just one of those posts.

Ana Hatkallem 3arabi 3ashan 3ady 3ala Fekra.

I just noticed that "3arabi 3ashan 3adi 3ala" fekra all start with the letter "3". Ah, letter.

el so2al el molle7 ba2a delwa2ti, howa el nass elli bete2ra elli ana katbah w mabtefhamsh menno 7aga dah 3ashan it's in English walla 3ashan ana lama bafakar elli beyetla3 menni ba3d el tafkeer mesh mafhoom 3'er leya bass ( w sa3at walla 7atta leya). Asl mawdoo3 English dah mafhoom, walahy ana nefsi at3allem akteb 3arabi 3ashan ana 3andi 7agat keteer tet2al wana mesh 3ayzaha tet2al lel nass elli betefham english bass, w mesh 3ayzaha tet2al lel nass elli beye2ro bass.

Maho asl el stereotype (mesh ha3raf atsaraf fel kelma dih) beta3 en maba3rafsh a2ra wakteb 3arabi fa yeb2a ana mayenfa3sh afeed el masreyeen dah mesh hayenfa3 yegri waraya keteer. Kol ma7awel a2ool ra2yee f7aga ma7adesh bey.. (take me seriously??) beyesma3li 3ashan ana fi nazarhom wa7da metrabbeya barra w lama geit da5alt madaress american w ba3daha british system w ba3deehom I topped it off bgam3a joint mabein gam3et el kahera w georgia state university.

Tab ana 3ayza a3'ayar el balad.. atsaraf ezzay ya3ni? lama ana 3ashan a2ool gomla 3arabi, batbahdel 3ashan ala2i kelma 3edla tet7at. W lama bala2i el kelma el 3edla 3adatan beteb2a kelma metargema 7arfeyan men english le 3arabi waktashef en bel 3arabi keda malhash ma3na.. aw ma3naha keda mesh el ma3na elli ana 3ayza a2oolo bel English. Tab aslan ana maba3rafsh a2ool "Engeleezi". 3omri ma3reft a7otaha fi gomla mofeeda.. fa men 3'er ma2sod (I come across?.. ummm) baban leli odami el shabba elli gaya tetnatat 3alehom. Da 3'er ma2sat sha3ry el curly elli beykarar fi aw2at 3'areeba eno yatakamas sha5seyet shagara fi mahab el ree7.  Tab heya mesh dih el mafrood lo3'ati? Elmoshkella eni awel magi atkallem keda ba7ess eni baharag. Mesh 3arfa asada2 nafsi ya3ni.. w mabein kol gomla w gomla ba7awel akne3 nafsi eni mesh ba2lesh.. bass hat3awed "3ashan 3ady 3alafekra".
 wana 3andi kalimat zeyada, ba7otaha fil gomla 3ashan 3ala mafakar fel kelma elli 3ayza a2olha yekoon elli odami etlaha fil kelma elli ana oltaha.. welli etkallemo m3aya 3arfeen eni ba2ool "lesababen mah", "3adatan", "a7yanan", "tab", "Elli howa", "Elli howa nezam ba2a" "fe3lan?", "howa fe3lan", "2ella howa fe3lan?" "El fekra en", "elfekra mesh en", "mazonesh", "masalan" w tab3an "sanya wa7da bass hagama3" aktar men ay kalemat tanya fel lo3'a el 3arabeya.

Elli yesma3ni ba2ool keda yefteker masalan eni 2ommi aw aboya men balad tanya, bass la2.. masreyeen. (awi ba2a)
Ana bass lafeit keteer, wana kol 7aga feya masreya, elli mat3alemtoosh men masr (3'er qawa3ed el lo3'a), zan2et el tafkeer elli mo3zam el nass 7ashra nafsaha feeha.. elli howa "The Box" (akeed masmoosh el sandoo2.. sa7?). Howa fi box zay beta3 masr? welli fakreen nafsohom mesh ma7shoreen feeh beyerga3oolo fi as3'ar el 7agat. Mogarad eni batkallem ma3 7ad barra my network of friends (ma3reftesh atsaraf feeha bardo) w sa3at gowaha kaman, beyetbasseli akeni mareeda.. w mesh mareeda b2ay 7aga, 3andi.. 3andi 2amal. (2amal, mesh 2aml). welli as3ab men keda, moktane3a en kol 7aga momken tet7al w tet3'ayar 3ady ya3ni. w ekfeena el shar ya rab a3oozo bellah men el shaytan el rajeem w la 7awl wala qowat ella bellah allaho el shafy el mo3afy.. Ba7eb Masr =O. w ba7eb arafha!

ma32eni mado2tesh arafha w morraha zay ba2eet el nass, aboya safeer ba2alo 7awali 3ashar seneen, w men abl matweled b 14 sana kan fil 5argeya. da 3'er eni aslan, ma3aya el genseya el americeya 3ashan mawlooda henak. bel raqam el qawmi bkollo. bass howa dah bey2alel men (my credibility?..) Masdaqeyeti ka wa7da masreya bet7eb el ballad. Ana mesh 3ayza the U.S, the U.S mesh me7tagani. w mawgooda w hatefdal mawgooda ya3ni, ha3mel beeha eh delwa2ti?

kal3ada ana mesh 3arfa ana ba7awel awsal le2eh delwa2ti fil la7za dih.. bass ana olt agarab ya3ni akteb 3arabi.. tab howa 7ad mesada2ni?

But Who Do You Want Me to Be?

This part of this post is dedicated to Ruba khaled and Only Ruba khaled.
Horses are really strong, but they are gentle souls. They have beautiful eyes and I've never seen a fat horse. The muscles! They are loyal but they are independent. They are the perfect combination of physical and mental strength. That's why. Thank you for asking me those questions, You got me thinking. I never knew why horses until today. I love you.

*****
I'm currently writing something, that needs alot of work. And I'm trying to save my energy and words for it. I have been thinking about this particular article for a really long while and it will take alot of work from me to write it the way it is in my head. I never edit anything I write, atleast not until 3 months after I've written it, and I'm not going to edit this one before I post it either. It's really important to me and thats why I need to give it as much attention in my head as it deserves, because as soon as I type the words, they will stay unchanged for a long time. So, yeah. I have work to do. I miss writing here though.