The Broken Cookie.

A man once told me that he fell in love so many times in his life not because he loved women, but because he loved the anticipation of it all. His favorite part of the date was getting ready for it, and not the moment he sees her. His favorite part of a phone call would be hearing it ring. He said that nothing could have ever ruined that for him, unlike the rest of it all. Sometimes I'd make a play list, and put my favorite song last, so I'd have to wait for it. And then when it's finally played, most of the time I don't even concentrate as much as I did with the songs before it.

There's something unavoidable about reality that we tend to postpone whether we know we are or not. We wait for the introduction to reality and then when we get there, we hesitate and we shake. We fight for what we want and we're never sure if this is all we could be doing. We fight and we wait and we're okay with it because we hope that it will pay off.
I always did wonder, every time I watched a "Hell's Kitchen" Finale, how it felt to turn the door knob and find it locked. And how surprising it must feel to turn the knob and have the door open. And what was it like to not have to go through lists of all the positive things that will come out of not winning the million dollar restaurant of your dreams?

I'm okay with being the kind of person that comes to dead ends and turns around to take other roads. Longer Roads, with more people, and more time to think. But do I ever do anything else? Do I really need more thinking? I'm running out of things to think about, I'm running out of things to confuse myself about. I'm running out of tests for myself.

It's funny how one person's judgement could affect so many things at once. And it's funny how hard it is for me to accept how anything would affect me. I have never felt colder in my life. I have never felt more uninteresting in my life. I have no taste in music, any song is a good song. I have no taste in movies, any movie has something good about it. I have no interest in having opinions anymore because I have realised that all my opinions are too flexible for my own good. I feel like Ive officially bent until I broke.

Here I am again, feeling like the clingy younger friend that won't stop nagging her older friend about everything and anything. I laugh at everything, even the jokes I know aren't funny. I eat when I'm not hungry. I agree to things I don't want to agree to. I am trapped doing what's easy again. I might even be looking for approval again. I am here right now, writing this, to save myself. I am writing this now just to make it real. I need to see it to understand it. And I need to understand it to know what to do about it.

I miss talking.. I miss telling stories without giggling in the middle like an idiot because I'm afraid the person listening to it won't think it's interesting. I miss feeling like the biggest person I know. I miss feeling like I don't need anyone to make me feel whole. I miss it all. and here I am again, wanting to stop, afraid that I'm boring you with this. Who are you? You never did me any good any way. None of you ever will unless I'm willing to let myself be. Misery still is beautiful, and so is failure. But I don't think I recall seeing success, what if it's a different kind of beautiful? A kind I need to see. What if turning the door knob and winning the restaurant will bring you closer to your family and friends and you passon and everything you ever loved. What if thinking that the one who found the door locked will be the one who has the last laugh is just another comforting thought. What if I didn't exist? It wouldnt matter at this point. And I can't live like this. This is not who I am and this is not what I'll let myself be.

Will I laugh when I read this a year from now? What if I don't?

Duets.

I am the nick pitera of my own life at the moment. And it's actually irritating how everyone seems to be belting out in some insane duet. I'm standing in front of a mic, singing the Aladdin part of A whole new world, and then running to the other side and singing the jasmine part. Nothing is more irritating than the people who think they can join in... if you can sing better than I can sing it, I still like my own version. And if you can't even sing, then why are you here? and my favorite, if you think I sing so well, therefore I will make your song better, you're a moron.

About my hair... I understand that it looks better straight. I realize that it looks longer straight. I realize that it looks darker straight. I understand. Yes, I know. And yes, I will still ignore you. I refuse to run for shelter when it's about to rain. I refuse to starve myself instead of working out because I can't wash my hair everyday. I refuse to blush when people ask why a strand of my hair is curling up. I refuse to spend time making my self something I am not. Why is it suddenly a bad thing to like myself? it's bad enough that I choose to put on eye liner everyday.. that makes me feel fake enough.


Lately, I've been going to teenstuff magazine more often. What happened to teenagers? Since when did it become cool to stay IN the box? "we're tired of everything controversial, can't we talk about something normal for once?" SERIOUSLY? tired of controversy? I need the person who had the master plan to make the new generation as boring as possible and just shake their hand until it falls off, because he definitely succeeded.


My sister is having a baby in three months inshaa'allah. it's going to be a boy inshaa'allah. 
question is, now what? or then what? I keep thinking I'd be the kind of aunt that makes the baby bleed while attempting to change it's diaper, and I have an image of me with a dirty diaper stuck to my back, a spit up stain on my shoulder, and I'm holding the baby's leg and carrying him upside down with his head dangling.. so the phone rings, and I let go of his leg. *applause* I can't be absent minded with a baby around. I can't be the person who puts her notebook in the freezer and tries to mute the Television using her cell phone any more. because that notebook could be the baby! what if the baby isn't in the freezer, what if the baby starts learning to speak, and then his first word is something horrible I said while changing his diaper. what if, the baby grows up and deletes a file off of my laptop.. My music folder, and I *accidentally* kill him? what if the baby hates me? what if he doesn't hate me, what if he likes me so much that he doesn't want to go home with his parents, and then THEY hate me. What if I'm the kind of aunt that people avoid? What if I'm the annoying aunt that's so critical of everything? what if he's the annoying kid that throws home appliances out the window and pees on the wall?


what if it's all perfect? and what if nick pitera really is unnatural?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9-CS2v8wcc


Oh and.. I found the Spell check button, it was there the whole time, right infront of me.

Goosebumps

I never was the kind of person that gets goosebumps when they're moved. I actually have a vitamin dificiency that results in a condition called "Goosey Skin". My arms constantly have goose bumps for no reason. Everywhere I go people ask me if I'm feeling cold, some even just assume I am and start closing windows and offering me jackets.

I'm glad I don't get goose bumps. I'm glad chocolate doesnt make me happy. I'm glad I always hated chocolate chip cookies. I'm glad I hate big weddings. I'm glad I laugh at everything. I'm glad I cry when I want to. I'm glad I let people talk to me when I dont know them. I'm glad my hands shake sometimes when I'm speaking infront of an audience. I'm glad I answer all questions with a question. I'm glad I never cared enough about how I look to spend more than 50 L.E on a haircut. I'm glad I don't use my american accent. I'm glad my desktop wall paper is a picture of the Egyptian flag. I'm glad I never liked birthday cakes.

I'm glad I turn the air conditioner off using the remote instead of the switch like I'm supposed to. I'm glad I dont care if I look stupid when Im running. And I'm glad I notice when someone's making fun of me. I'm glad I ignore them. I'm glad I make fun of them in my head too. I'm glad I'm writing this even when I should be working on my secretariat plan.

I should get goosebumps though.

Shuffle.

Why isn't it possible to quote instrumentals? It would have made alot of this easier. It was brought to my attention by Eman (yes, me) that my blog posts have been really gloomy for a while now. So I made a playlist, and I put it on shuffle. And I'll let each song change the flow of this post. That won't be easy, because I always have one song playing on repeat for each post. So this should be interesting. Here goes.

I have so much to do this summer, it's crazy. And alot of it is just things to sort out with myself. And even more are things I always wanted to do but never really went through with. And inorder to do them I will have to get one thing sorted out with my parents. Inshaa2 Allah, if they let me go out when I want, I will not die.
Another thing is this band thing I've started with Ahmed Magdy. I need to get used to the fact that I will be getting up on stage and singing infront of other human beings. I'll probably pass out the first couple of times. I wouldn't want to let my band members down. I'm also applying as a secretariat in Almun 2011 inshaa2allah. That'll need another blog post.

That was Snow (hey Oh) - Red hot chilli peppers

I was called judgemental by a really close friend this week. I was also informed that I'm scary. I was also described as a pain in the ass by another friend. "And how could I talk to you if I can feel terror?".
I thought it would be easy to write about this, but it really isnt. Just like it isn't easy for me to talk about it or even think about it.

That was Mad - Ne-yo

I have a friend, lets call him S. He was always the guy who feared commitment, and we always laughed about being almost equally afraid of commitment. He used to call him self a tinman, and he wouldnt stop saying that he had no heart. But he was always okay. And it made sense to me. I was so sure that if he was like that, then it's okay for me to be like that. lets just say he was my hope at proving my theory that you can be happier single than when you're with someone.
All hopes of that went down the drain. He has fallen desperately, dangerously and entirely in love, head over heels, "let's get married now", "I want to my children to look like you", kind of falling in love. and it's not a teenage kind of thing, he's in his twenties and it's serious. I look at him and I know he's happier now, and he's more comfortable with himself. And it scares me.

that was stop this world - Ne-yo

this is a good one =D Who knew james morrison could actually be good? I never really gave him a chance. "And if you stay with me, honestly it's what I want. But if you stay with me, I know I'll hurt you more. So won't you save, save yourself." I'm doubting myself about alot of my choices these days. I'm not sure about anything or anyone anymore. I'm scared of the day I'll wake up and realize that I'm an entirely different person and I'm not even in a better place.

that was Save yourself - james morrison

I had a dream that Julie started talking. She told me that she never recognized me when I visited, and she always thought I was someone else. In the dream I wasn't upset, I was just happy she's out of her coma. I'm tired of people asking me if she's awake. And I'm tired of having to answer them when they ask "why?" If anyone knew why, then everything would be okay now, wouldn't it. What is wrong with you? Why would ou think it's okay to ask such a question like you're asking what time it is.

that was please don't stop the rain - james morrison

I met someone today, I don't really know him, but I've been aware of his existence for a about 3 years now. I'm not attracted to him or anything, and it's nothing like that. But I can't help but to notice that when he smiles everyone looking at him smiles too. And I always smile too. Infact today I was trying to avoid him, because of an awkward encounter we had earlier this year, but as I was trying to walk right past him, he put his leg right infront of me. If I had decided to continue walking and pretending I didn't notice, there was a great chance that I'd trip and fall. And that's never fun, is it. So I stopped and we said our helloes. And I kept thinking that it was a shame that we weren't friends, because I could use more smiling in my life.

That was Hey, Soul sister - Train

enough for today, I'll have to come back for a post about a couple of things here..