Snow Day - A letter to God.

Dear God,

I'm sure you've been watching, And I know you know that thing's haven't exactly been good for me these days. I've chosen to write to you, not because I feel the need to publish what should actually go on between me and you, but because I'm sure you'd want me to be as comfortable as possible when I'm talking to you. And I couldnt think of a better way than to write to you.

I realise that you did this because it's about time for everyone to wake up. Whether it's wake up and realise how much they care for julie, or wake up and remember just how fast someone's life could end, there's definitely a wake up call involved. A few days ago, when I was thinking of what I want to say to you, all I could come up with is "Please god, just want her to wake up". For a moment there the thought hit me that you could actually not want her to wake up, and the "natural" scenario that I was expecting to happen might not actually happen. I didn't really want you to wake her up now, and I didn't really mind if it was soon or not. All I wanted was for you to want her to come back to us. Because if you did, then nothing would stand in your way.

I couldn't get myself to write to you about this any sooner, not because I didn't want to. But because the second I write about it, it's finally real. No matter how many time's I saw her laying there in that cold room in the ICU, half the size of her former self and with a machine breathing for her, it still wasn't real. This moment, I'm aknowleging it all in writing, and I'm hoping I can stay consious until I hit the Publish button. I guess I need your help with that, God.

So yea, it IS true. Julie did have a horrifying car accident. She did lose control over her car in the rain, and she probably screamed as the car slided and crashed into that pole. Yeah.. Julie. She screamed. She must've screamed. And the last thing she probably saw was glass and water. And julie -yes, julie- was rushed to the hospital, and JULIE was barely alive. And now she's in a coma. A severe coma to be exact.

Now this is the moment when I'd look up at the sky and pretend that my screaming at you would change anything. But I'm not mad at you, God. I never was and never will be. I have seen enough to teach me that things never just "happen". And this time, I can't help but admire the plan of it all. Everyone's thinking why julie? And all I keep thinking is, well.. it just had to be her. How else would you stop everyone dead in their tracks and make them run in the right direction? How else would you remind us that the things we so intensely pretend to care about are not even worth wasting brain waves on? How else would you finally change her life? It couldn't have been anyone of less importance than Julie Farouk.

I've spent the last year bragging about how I don't go to sleep without making sure everything is "fine" with everyone I know. And I was horrible enough to underestimate the pain behind the words "I need you". You watched me god. You watched me take those words, and react to them in a way that was too pathetic to be worth noticing. An extra phone call here and there. You watched me tuck those words away in the "too intense to handle" pile. You watched me forget the occurence of that conversation. And then two months later you watched me fall on my knees at the thought of something happening to her. And then out of nowhere, you send me this particular memory of her. And it's not a mystery why you'd send me this one. 

Everyday, I have to stop myself from thinking that this is all my fault, that this was MY wake up call. My punishment. And it's funny how a person like Shady Sadat would tell me to stop my subconsious from trying to prove to me that I care. I smile at that, God. Because I know you're testing my patience, again. My subconsious is not trying to prove anything to me, God. Only you fully understand how hard it is to let myself wake up in the morning. Only you can see me look away from the mirror every morning. Only you saw me sprinting out of that ICU. Only you knew that I ran out of there not just because I couldn't see her that weak but more importantly, because I felt like I do not deserve to see her and touch her.


Part of me wanted her to pull her hand away from me. It would've been the least I deserved. I can't help but to wonder why you're keeping me here, God. I'm sure I'm part of a plan too.

Thank you for keeping her alive, God. And thank you for making it snow that day.