And oh, she's only Seventeen.

What's it like turning eighteen? well.. I'm terrified. And I didnt get the chance to have my "first thirteen days of march" freak out before this birthday. I was "abit" occupied with Julie being in a deep coma. And I still am. I find it very hard to believe that the people that know me and her, actually have the energy to write a sentence that has the word "happy" in it. And most of the people who wrote on my facebook wall are people she knows. It doesn't seem right. But again, shady sadat keeps telling me to live as normally as possible because any other behaviour won't do her any good.

I'm listening to shallow songs about pretty seventeen year old girls, and it makes me hyper, but it doesnt make me happy. As much as I always wished my eighteenth birthday would be my good birthday.. (all my parties were horrible), I don't want to get any attention tomorrow. I just want to go to the hospital and sit there with her and hold her handand hope she wakes up before the day ends.

This year was the best and worst year of my life. Being seventeen, I learned to do what I want to do because it'll make me happy. I learned to love my family because they will care more than anyone else at times. I learned that doing what I want, means to learn to deal with my mistakes and their consequences. I learned to be happy. I learned that I can't expect myself to be happy every minute of everyday. I learned that I really have no Idea who I am. And I learned to love myself the way I am. Extra fat, spontaneous stuttering, the eyeliner at the corner of my eyes, my fat kid's appetite, my handwriting, my nose, my left elfish ear, my bad hair days, my limited shoes collection, the fact that I sometimes forget to think... All included.

This year I learned who is important and who isn't. I learned why people want me in their lives, and why others don't. I learned why I'm so afraid of loving people. I learned why sometimes keeping my mouth shut is the best thing to do (and i still don't keep it shut). I learned that I am the storngest person I know. I learned that I am the weakest person I know because I use my own strength against myself. I learned that other people don't try to break me, but I break myself in the process of protecting myself from them. I learned that nothing works the way I want it to. I learned that sometimes shutting everyone out and watching the simpsons while lifting weights actually could be good sometimes. I learned that I may be strong, but that doesn't stop me from always being afraid. I learned that promises really can be broken. And I learned that bad things really do happen. And I learned that better things(they maybe smaller, but they;re still better) happen when you least expect them. I learned that I need to be on my own sometimes. And I learned that some people, just some people are really who I think they are. I finally understand what unconditional love means, and I finally understand what it means to experience it. Good days will happen, and bad days will happen.

I don't need to think about everything. I don't need to understand, I just need to live through it. And when I'm out, then I can pause and think. There's no way I'm going to let myself think I'm control of anything other than my self after this year. I'm terrified, and I wish things were like how I want them to be.. but I guess that's one of those things about being young.. So I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Wake up, Julie. I need to tell you something.

P.S: Julie, you made me sing again. And I love you for it.