Between the nothings..

This week, I have felt like a giant, and I felt invisible. I felt like I couldn't handle the amount of people I have around me, and I felt completely alone. I felt like nothing could ever bring me down, And I felt like nothing could go right. I felt dangerous, and I felt terrified. I felt fearless, and I felt... human.

I never really cared for details, And I never understood why other people would. I believe that something just don't matter. I know it sounds silly, but this defines my existence. Intentions matter, nothing else does. It's easier to overlook the little things. It's easier to just look beyond what happened and see what people wanted to happen. It's easier to believe in what was said between the lines than to even read the lines themselves. It's easier to make sense of what doesn't make sense than try to oblige to what already does. It's easier to take the words of a song and sing them like they could be sung, than to attempt to sing them the way they should be. It's easier to trust people's good will than tormenting myself with doubt. And it's easier to not expect anything than to want and need. It's easier to be happy, it's easier to apologize, it's easier to say what wouldn't be said otherwise than wait for it to be said. It's easier to run sometimes. And at other times, it's easier to stand still and play dead. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's easier to do the hard thing.

Maybe details really are important.. Are they?

The day before yesterday, my mother didn't talk to me for 4 hours. Because I said I will be home by 8:00 p.m. I was home at 8:15 p.m. And as senseless as it seemed to me, it made sense to someone else.

yesterday, I "claimed" that someone, "poked" my shoulder. And I said that in the middle of a very long story. And because to me, it didn't matter whether someone poked my shoulder or even bit it off... I didn't think of it again. But everyone else did. And a "shoulder poke" was under scrutiny, and according to whether that certain shoulder poke or not actually did take place, my validity as a person was under inspection.

A few days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine, lets call him Bob. And another friend, lets call him Bill, rushed into the room and told me he needs to talk to me outside. So I ran outside to talk to Bill about what turned out to be a very important issue. 8 hours later, I found out that Bob thinks I was rude, and I shouldn't have just walked out like that. I will now be trying to prove to Bob that I am not taking his friendship for granted for as long as I can. And I am expected to use as many "excuse me"s and "sorry"s as possible.

Six months ago, I lost half of my grade on a Midterm because I thought one of the givens in my math problem was 4. Only to find out after fifteen minutes of calculations, that there's no way it's a four because it's the final answer can never be a Zero. That 4, was actually a .4. I mean for god's sake, how am I supposed to see that "." But everyone else saw it. people see dots. I don't see dots. And even when I did realize there was a dot, I never would have thought that a Point Four, was THAT different from a four.

Maybe details ARE part of the lines. I don't even see the lines, I see the spaces between them, how can anyone expect me to see the dots on the lines?

could I actually find myself on the lines along with one of those dots?