And oh, she's only Seventeen.

What's it like turning eighteen? well.. I'm terrified. And I didnt get the chance to have my "first thirteen days of march" freak out before this birthday. I was "abit" occupied with Julie being in a deep coma. And I still am. I find it very hard to believe that the people that know me and her, actually have the energy to write a sentence that has the word "happy" in it. And most of the people who wrote on my facebook wall are people she knows. It doesn't seem right. But again, shady sadat keeps telling me to live as normally as possible because any other behaviour won't do her any good.

I'm listening to shallow songs about pretty seventeen year old girls, and it makes me hyper, but it doesnt make me happy. As much as I always wished my eighteenth birthday would be my good birthday.. (all my parties were horrible), I don't want to get any attention tomorrow. I just want to go to the hospital and sit there with her and hold her handand hope she wakes up before the day ends.

This year was the best and worst year of my life. Being seventeen, I learned to do what I want to do because it'll make me happy. I learned to love my family because they will care more than anyone else at times. I learned that doing what I want, means to learn to deal with my mistakes and their consequences. I learned to be happy. I learned that I can't expect myself to be happy every minute of everyday. I learned that I really have no Idea who I am. And I learned to love myself the way I am. Extra fat, spontaneous stuttering, the eyeliner at the corner of my eyes, my fat kid's appetite, my handwriting, my nose, my left elfish ear, my bad hair days, my limited shoes collection, the fact that I sometimes forget to think... All included.

This year I learned who is important and who isn't. I learned why people want me in their lives, and why others don't. I learned why I'm so afraid of loving people. I learned why sometimes keeping my mouth shut is the best thing to do (and i still don't keep it shut). I learned that I am the storngest person I know. I learned that I am the weakest person I know because I use my own strength against myself. I learned that other people don't try to break me, but I break myself in the process of protecting myself from them. I learned that nothing works the way I want it to. I learned that sometimes shutting everyone out and watching the simpsons while lifting weights actually could be good sometimes. I learned that I may be strong, but that doesn't stop me from always being afraid. I learned that promises really can be broken. And I learned that bad things really do happen. And I learned that better things(they maybe smaller, but they;re still better) happen when you least expect them. I learned that I need to be on my own sometimes. And I learned that some people, just some people are really who I think they are. I finally understand what unconditional love means, and I finally understand what it means to experience it. Good days will happen, and bad days will happen.

I don't need to think about everything. I don't need to understand, I just need to live through it. And when I'm out, then I can pause and think. There's no way I'm going to let myself think I'm control of anything other than my self after this year. I'm terrified, and I wish things were like how I want them to be.. but I guess that's one of those things about being young.. So I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Wake up, Julie. I need to tell you something.

P.S: Julie, you made me sing again. And I love you for it.

Snow Day - A letter to God.

Dear God,

I'm sure you've been watching, And I know you know that thing's haven't exactly been good for me these days. I've chosen to write to you, not because I feel the need to publish what should actually go on between me and you, but because I'm sure you'd want me to be as comfortable as possible when I'm talking to you. And I couldnt think of a better way than to write to you.

I realise that you did this because it's about time for everyone to wake up. Whether it's wake up and realise how much they care for julie, or wake up and remember just how fast someone's life could end, there's definitely a wake up call involved. A few days ago, when I was thinking of what I want to say to you, all I could come up with is "Please god, just want her to wake up". For a moment there the thought hit me that you could actually not want her to wake up, and the "natural" scenario that I was expecting to happen might not actually happen. I didn't really want you to wake her up now, and I didn't really mind if it was soon or not. All I wanted was for you to want her to come back to us. Because if you did, then nothing would stand in your way.

I couldn't get myself to write to you about this any sooner, not because I didn't want to. But because the second I write about it, it's finally real. No matter how many time's I saw her laying there in that cold room in the ICU, half the size of her former self and with a machine breathing for her, it still wasn't real. This moment, I'm aknowleging it all in writing, and I'm hoping I can stay consious until I hit the Publish button. I guess I need your help with that, God.

So yea, it IS true. Julie did have a horrifying car accident. She did lose control over her car in the rain, and she probably screamed as the car slided and crashed into that pole. Yeah.. Julie. She screamed. She must've screamed. And the last thing she probably saw was glass and water. And julie -yes, julie- was rushed to the hospital, and JULIE was barely alive. And now she's in a coma. A severe coma to be exact.

Now this is the moment when I'd look up at the sky and pretend that my screaming at you would change anything. But I'm not mad at you, God. I never was and never will be. I have seen enough to teach me that things never just "happen". And this time, I can't help but admire the plan of it all. Everyone's thinking why julie? And all I keep thinking is, well.. it just had to be her. How else would you stop everyone dead in their tracks and make them run in the right direction? How else would you remind us that the things we so intensely pretend to care about are not even worth wasting brain waves on? How else would you finally change her life? It couldn't have been anyone of less importance than Julie Farouk.

I've spent the last year bragging about how I don't go to sleep without making sure everything is "fine" with everyone I know. And I was horrible enough to underestimate the pain behind the words "I need you". You watched me god. You watched me take those words, and react to them in a way that was too pathetic to be worth noticing. An extra phone call here and there. You watched me tuck those words away in the "too intense to handle" pile. You watched me forget the occurence of that conversation. And then two months later you watched me fall on my knees at the thought of something happening to her. And then out of nowhere, you send me this particular memory of her. And it's not a mystery why you'd send me this one. 

Everyday, I have to stop myself from thinking that this is all my fault, that this was MY wake up call. My punishment. And it's funny how a person like Shady Sadat would tell me to stop my subconsious from trying to prove to me that I care. I smile at that, God. Because I know you're testing my patience, again. My subconsious is not trying to prove anything to me, God. Only you fully understand how hard it is to let myself wake up in the morning. Only you can see me look away from the mirror every morning. Only you saw me sprinting out of that ICU. Only you knew that I ran out of there not just because I couldn't see her that weak but more importantly, because I felt like I do not deserve to see her and touch her.


Part of me wanted her to pull her hand away from me. It would've been the least I deserved. I can't help but to wonder why you're keeping me here, God. I'm sure I'm part of a plan too.

Thank you for keeping her alive, God. And thank you for making it snow that day.