Friday, July 17, 2009
Following through
now that's something I seriously need to work on.. following through with things.. that and capitalizing my "I"s. i had no idea kris allen covered michael jackson's "man in the mirror". Anyway.. back to following through.. i never made a blog and stuck to it.. but im optimistic about this one.. i cant really say the same about my life though... I have no idea what i want to do with my life.. or what is going on right now. i dont want to write right now.. so yea.. i think im gonna go.. yea i am.. nada's sleeping... she needs to wake up because im lonely and i need a hug.. and i need her but i cant say that because she'd ask why.. and i dont know why.. i just do. and julie should be here by now.. and dina.. i wish they were here.. need them. i really do.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I made a blog.. AGAIN.
blekh.. michael jackson's music is taking over my brain. since he died i've been spending most of my time either watching shows about him on t.v or reading about him. And when I'm not doing that I'm downloading his music. Now i sing MJ's music in the shower.. and i dance to it playing in my head when im doing my little "i'm dressed" dance. what's an im dressed dance? uhhh.. well.. im not the kind of girl that would spend alot of time thinking about what she's going to wear... but i do have my insecurities and every mood just matches something i have in my closet but i never know exactly what it is until ive tried on a whole lot of my clothes... so when im finally dressed and im fairly comfortable... I do like a 20 second dance infront of the mirror. did i mention i'm a terrible dancer?? so that dance isnt exactly a dance.. if you're a friends fan you'd know what the chandler bing happy dance. yea.. thats it. so back to MJ.
Ive been working out on a daily basis these days and my laptop wasnt working so my music library on my phone hasnt been updated in like 4 months... and I'm serious about my music.. no seriously.. im SERIOUS about music... so at some point when id be running id get really cranky and feel like just stop running because i have michael jackson's "ghost" playing in my head and i cant even imagine it as good as the real song.. so that wasnt exactly that extra push i needed to literally run that extra mile. so I'm running... and i have this really lame techno song playing on my phone.. and Im trying to just get through this lap... and then the worst thing that could ever happen.. happens. one head phone falls out of my ear. ARE YOU FRIKKIN KIDDING ME??? I mean come on.. its not the right music and now i have what i call a wobbly chord. so i either keep running to the bad music... or i throw my self off and risk falling over because i was busy trying to put the head phone in my ear again.. or i just follow that impulse that's making slamming my phone really hard against the ground look like the solution to all my problems. so what was i talking about gain? Michael jackson... the thing about this incredible individual.. is that he lived this amazing life in the spot life and basically had no life when the curtain falls. Or he did have a life... but when you're telling the story of michael jackson's life.. it could be really hard to focus on his personal life... because what the hell is that compared to his musical acomplishments. and the little light that has been focused on his personal light.. was not exactly positive. This person.. this human being.. has done so much for others... im not making him sound like a hero or anything.. but i mean.. his music.. that wasnt for him.. we got that.. that is ours.. thats not his. but what did he do to make michael jackson grow? to make MJ have a peaceful and prosperous life? It scares me to think that i could be that kind of person.. the person that's just plain self destructive and writes novels for a living or writes articles about how pandas should be taken care of. And then i go just hurting people around me or just pushing them away.. because its just easier that way... when no one really sees you.. when no one really sees the real you.. when no one knows what's going on inside your head... then you're free... no one is watching you. no one knows what hurts you.. and no one would know why you almost cry sometimes when theres no obvious reason to cry. At some point i came to this realization. No one really cares. why in hell didn't i have this connection with michael jackson when he was alive? why do we always have to wait for people to die so we can start realizing that we need to get attached to them and then start crying because we cant let go. i think im getting abit too used to letting go.. or maybe thats completely not true... maybe letting go still is the hardest thing in my life. I don't want to let go anymore... "Tell me... Are You The Ghost Of Jealousy?" damn it michael... is it the lyrics? or is it the pain i can hear in your voice? it's gotta be both.. because only Cold can do this to me... and i never expected you to make me feel this way. "and who gave you the right to shake my baby.. she needs me."
I hate that word.. NEED. Why do human beings need anything? Am I kidding myself when i get the thought that i dont need certain things that people think are so important. and am i kidding my self when i say i want it all to stop.. or do i just love the attention of it all? Am I blocking out the thought that i might be upset about not being accepted as a secretariat in ALMUN 2010? lol i should've saw it coming anyway... i thought it was spelled "secertariate". and the interview was horrible and i didnt get enough sleep that night and everything was just... blekhish.. the whole thing now looks like a blob.... but bashar helping me out.. now thats not a blob.. thatss one amazing friend... imagine sarcasm and greatness and friendliness all blended together into one green eyed beast of a person. I seriously cant wait to work with him on a professional level... i just hope he doesnt go bald because of me :D
"stop pressurin me... stop fuckin with me.. just stop pressurin me".. janet jacksons voice.. is pretty great... but its nothing compared to her brothers.. she obviously hasnt been through half what he's been through... Michael and i would've made great friends.. i have no idea why i believe him about the sexual molestation thing... its just the way he said "you see... people think sex... i dont think sex.. That's not me.. Thats not michael jackson.. no.. thats not the way i think"
his voice always had been soft.. but there was something really serious about the wy he said that...
Now these head phones.. these big ones.. are incredible.. why cant i run with these... i want something this loud when im running.. it could distract me from the annoying girl in pink that walks 10 meters and jogs 3 meters then trys to pick up speed when i run past her. and it could help take my eyes of that really fast runner in the blue shorts.. And FOR YOUR INFORMATION.. it is so FUCKING unfair that only guys can take off their shirts when the weather is too much for them when they're working out.
"so just LEAVE ME ALONE....!"
Ive been working out on a daily basis these days and my laptop wasnt working so my music library on my phone hasnt been updated in like 4 months... and I'm serious about my music.. no seriously.. im SERIOUS about music... so at some point when id be running id get really cranky and feel like just stop running because i have michael jackson's "ghost" playing in my head and i cant even imagine it as good as the real song.. so that wasnt exactly that extra push i needed to literally run that extra mile. so I'm running... and i have this really lame techno song playing on my phone.. and Im trying to just get through this lap... and then the worst thing that could ever happen.. happens. one head phone falls out of my ear. ARE YOU FRIKKIN KIDDING ME??? I mean come on.. its not the right music and now i have what i call a wobbly chord. so i either keep running to the bad music... or i throw my self off and risk falling over because i was busy trying to put the head phone in my ear again.. or i just follow that impulse that's making slamming my phone really hard against the ground look like the solution to all my problems. so what was i talking about gain? Michael jackson... the thing about this incredible individual.. is that he lived this amazing life in the spot life and basically had no life when the curtain falls. Or he did have a life... but when you're telling the story of michael jackson's life.. it could be really hard to focus on his personal life... because what the hell is that compared to his musical acomplishments. and the little light that has been focused on his personal light.. was not exactly positive. This person.. this human being.. has done so much for others... im not making him sound like a hero or anything.. but i mean.. his music.. that wasnt for him.. we got that.. that is ours.. thats not his. but what did he do to make michael jackson grow? to make MJ have a peaceful and prosperous life? It scares me to think that i could be that kind of person.. the person that's just plain self destructive and writes novels for a living or writes articles about how pandas should be taken care of. And then i go just hurting people around me or just pushing them away.. because its just easier that way... when no one really sees you.. when no one really sees the real you.. when no one knows what's going on inside your head... then you're free... no one is watching you. no one knows what hurts you.. and no one would know why you almost cry sometimes when theres no obvious reason to cry. At some point i came to this realization. No one really cares. why in hell didn't i have this connection with michael jackson when he was alive? why do we always have to wait for people to die so we can start realizing that we need to get attached to them and then start crying because we cant let go. i think im getting abit too used to letting go.. or maybe thats completely not true... maybe letting go still is the hardest thing in my life. I don't want to let go anymore... "Tell me... Are You The Ghost Of Jealousy?" damn it michael... is it the lyrics? or is it the pain i can hear in your voice? it's gotta be both.. because only Cold can do this to me... and i never expected you to make me feel this way. "and who gave you the right to shake my baby.. she needs me."
I hate that word.. NEED. Why do human beings need anything? Am I kidding myself when i get the thought that i dont need certain things that people think are so important. and am i kidding my self when i say i want it all to stop.. or do i just love the attention of it all? Am I blocking out the thought that i might be upset about not being accepted as a secretariat in ALMUN 2010? lol i should've saw it coming anyway... i thought it was spelled "secertariate". and the interview was horrible and i didnt get enough sleep that night and everything was just... blekhish.. the whole thing now looks like a blob.... but bashar helping me out.. now thats not a blob.. thatss one amazing friend... imagine sarcasm and greatness and friendliness all blended together into one green eyed beast of a person. I seriously cant wait to work with him on a professional level... i just hope he doesnt go bald because of me :D
"stop pressurin me... stop fuckin with me.. just stop pressurin me".. janet jacksons voice.. is pretty great... but its nothing compared to her brothers.. she obviously hasnt been through half what he's been through... Michael and i would've made great friends.. i have no idea why i believe him about the sexual molestation thing... its just the way he said "you see... people think sex... i dont think sex.. That's not me.. Thats not michael jackson.. no.. thats not the way i think"
his voice always had been soft.. but there was something really serious about the wy he said that...
Now these head phones.. these big ones.. are incredible.. why cant i run with these... i want something this loud when im running.. it could distract me from the annoying girl in pink that walks 10 meters and jogs 3 meters then trys to pick up speed when i run past her. and it could help take my eyes of that really fast runner in the blue shorts.. And FOR YOUR INFORMATION.. it is so FUCKING unfair that only guys can take off their shirts when the weather is too much for them when they're working out.
"so just LEAVE ME ALONE....!"
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