Twister

I grew up in a place where it wasn't exactly wise to do anything other than what you were told. I grew up in a battlefield of my own and I understood very well that I was not the most important thing in my family. I knew that at any moment someone would run out of people to hurt and it would be my cue to be prepared to hear things I didnt want to know. I grew up with an unwritten rule that some things can not be shared with my family, and it wasn't long before I learned that the other unwritten rule was to never try to break the unwritten rules. I look back at my self, and sometimes I can't even remember how I got through each day. I was taught that love is enough. Things will be okay because we all love eachother. My parents will stay together because they love us. We will forgive our parents because we love them. We will get over our little fights with eachother, because brothers and sisters just love eachother, it's what they do. We will sit at the dinner table every evening and eat together, because we love eachother. We will take back all the insults the next morning because we love eachother. We will still let that last Mango rot in the fridge because we think the other should eat it, because we love eachother. And we will still hurt eachother, more than we can even bare, because we love eachother.

So, here I am, asking yet another question I dare not ask my family.

What is love?

And if love really was enough, then why do I feel betrayed by the system?

Washing Flags with Beads of Sweat. - (Inspired by Rachel Corrie)

I felt my body tense up at the thought of what was about to happen. I had no choice but to go through with this. My ears were hot and my fists were clenched. I knew this would be good for me, and for my country. I promised my self I would do whatever it takes to Free this country and it's people from it's terror. I promised my self I will not let anyone stop me. I never thought that someone could be me, and now that that's an option, I won't let it happen. I will go out there and do what I have to do. God really does work in mysterious ways, doesn't he? In my attempts to free a whole population, he is pushing me to free my self from my own prison. I unfolded my flag and folded it three times. I was starting to get worried my sweaty palms would stain it. Nothing should ever stain my flag... my people's flag. I watched as everyone else practiced, and wondered if I should be doing that as well. But there was no time to start now, I was meant to do this for the first time with everyone else. No one knew I only memorized what I was supposed to do but never actually tried it. If I'd even attempted to do this before that day I wouldn't have gone through with it, this was the only way to do it.

"They're gone, we lost them in last night's shooting, they were too heavy to carry and we had to leave them behind". I looked at the smile on his face and I knew he knew what I was about to say. "We won't need them, we'll work with what we have". Seeing him, and the hope that so elegantly presented it self to me in the corners of his eyes, and the sweat on his forehead, was all I needed to be prepared to face myself and the rest of the world. I looked at the sun, soon it will be ours again.

"It's time" he was calm enough to make me forget for a second what he was talking about. Everyone grew silent. I watched as everyone took their positions around the house. I felt my heart trying to escape from my rib cage, but there were far more important things now. He took me by the hand and walked with me to my position right infront of the house's door. There I was, holding my brother's hand, desperately hoping he wouldn't notice that I'm shaking. I wasn't afraid of death, I was afraid of losing control. Everyone smiled as the tank finally came into sight, and I wasn't surprised when I realised that twenty of us were standing there, banging their chests with their fists, because like he said, we lost our drums in last night's shooting. The beat was just as intense as it had been when we had the drums. I took a deep breath and let go of my brother's hand. For twenty years, I fought for freedom from this country's opressors and looked death straight in the eyes. But I never thought that one day I would have to dance for this country. I grew up running, running and standing. They were the two options I ever really had.

I unfolded my flag in time with everyone else, and I wrapped it around my chest. I took one more deep breath and waited until the tank was where we wanted it to be. "NOW" I let my voice invade the ears of the ninety people around me. And they immediately started clapping, and aiding our human drums with their feet hitting the ground. I was going to do this, I had to, and I wanted to. I let my arms float above me and my body was moving to the beat. I turned every turn I was supposed to turn. I bent my joints when I was supposed to. I was in sync with everyone around me, and I was in sync with my own heart. I'd never let my body move in any manner that was remotely loose. I felt my mother's necklace float into the air and fall back on my chest with every movement I made. I jumped, and so did everyone else. I just... Danced. The tank was heading straight for us and behind it was the bulldozer. I was facing my only fear, I was dancing and It didn't scare me anymore. I was not afraid of losing control over my own body anymore. Soon when the sun and this land are ours again, there will be no chains around my neck.

The tank stopped, but the bulldozer didn't. I died a free woman. The sun is mine, I am the sun. I did not die in vain. I did not die in vain. I will always hear the sound of my brothers and sisters feet hitting the ground, and their fists beating their chests. They will free themselves, And they will free my country. My heart will always beat with theirs. My heart will always be their drum, because I did not die in vain.

Speaking of Sally...

I lost my temper over a sandwich today. Enough Said.

Sally's Face

There's a certain vulnerability about rage, that just gets to me more than it should. Anger, and the rush of power that comes along with it, frightens me. I've never given myself the full right to be angry, there's always a sense of guilt accompanying it. And at that point, that makes me even angrier.

When I was a kid, my mother used to call me "7erro". As much as it makes me laugh, it makes sense. By 7erro she meant that I always got angry, but I took it out on my self. She used to tell me that the more I let my temper get the best of me, the more it'll chip away bits of my heart and soul. I remember the first time I ever did something self-destructive. I was five, and we were on vacation somewhere. Dad told me to pack my things because vacation is over and we have to go back home. So I waited for him to walk out of the room and I started crying. When I realised that the fact that I cried won't change anything, I felt about 6 consecutive pops in the center of my chest. I clenched my fists and contracted every muscle in my body for about 10 seconds. I remember feeling like the anger building up inside of me would take too much time and energy to express. So in order for it too cool off, I had to push myself over the edge. So, without even thinking, with two fingernails I pinched my right cheek, just below my left eye, until I couldnt handle the pain. I let go of my cheek, and took 3 deep breaths. Then I packed my things and we all went home. When I got home I felt a stinging pain on my face. I'd completely forgotten what had happened 2 hours prior. So I looked in the mirror and I saw two little scars filled with dried blood on my left cheek.

I need to get back in control, because I am not that little girl anymore.

"Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't never gonna burn my heart out
And So, sally can wait
She's knows it's too late as she's walking on by
Her soul slides Away
Don't look back in Anger
I heard you Say"

Oasis - Don't look back in anger

Aly Genena, Thank you for reminding me of how much I love this song, I'll sing it some day inshaa'allah.
Omar K Hegazy, Thank you for always reading my blog, and you were right about everything today.
Omar Abhar, Sometimes I post new blog entries just because I know you'll read them, Thanks for making my month*

The non-human category:
Dina Abdelhafiz, you have no idea how perfect your timing was with that txt message, it saved my life.
Nada, you're not people, you're an organ.. haha I love how you'll laugh at this like I just laughed when I wrote it. thank you.

And shady sadat, That S on your chest is so bright, it could blind someone! Thank you for being what you are.


Julie Farouk, if it weren't for you, I would've given up.

"But You Don't Really Care for Music, Do Ya?" - Inspired By Lee Dewyze and Reham Kandil's Laugh

There's so much more to life than people can really see. They think they do, and they don't think twice about any of it. But they can't really see anything. They laugh at us, they watch us running in circles and they laugh. They stare and they giggle. They stare and they nudge eachother. They watch us driving ourselves crazy over things that don't exist. But they do exist. And those circles they watch us running in, that's the path that they can never see. We hear bells, we hear bells and spoons being tapped against windows, and all they can hear is themselves. We're catching raindrops on our tongues and they're staring at the sky waiting for clouds. We're chasing lightening and they're afraid it would strike them. How could that ever make sense to them?

Maybe what I believe in is just too big to put into words, and maybe I'm not even exactly sure what it is yet. All I know is, I shouldn't be anywhere else right now.

There's something so strong yet vulnerable about a human laugh. It's strong because it breaks through air, and it's vulnerable because it's out of control. I've heard so many different types of laughs. But it's the type that takes you off guard that always locks me in a daze. There's this certain type of laugh. You hear it and you think nothing of it. And then a while later, you hear it again, loud and clear, in your head this time. And it gets you thinking, was it really that loud? or did I stretch it out from it's corners and place it back in the center of my mind? And all you could do is look at the person, and wonder if a laugh that loud, could come out of that person. And soon you're thinking maybe you underestimated their strength, because that laugh would not come out of someone you thought doesn't exist on some level.

Julie farouk held my hand today, for the first time since the accident. I don't think I can stand anymore, I don't want to, until she's standing with me.

"One and One and One is three"

Apparently, I posted a blog a few days back titled "Nasna3 mel 7adeed selsal" I have no recollection of such a post, so again, I must be back to my sleep writing. When I was a more regular writer, Id wake up in the morning and find full paragraphs written on my arms or legs. Other days I'd find notes posted on facebook. And my favorite, was when I'd find a random piece of paper in a shoe or under my bed, with random sentences written on it.

Julie nodded today. Nodding is good. Nodding will always be good from now until the end of time. just like pens and pencils and papers and Glue. They will always be good aswell. Somethings are just more valuable than we can see. And right now, A nod, was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

I don't feel like saying anything..

Nasna3 Mel 7adeed Selsal.

We are what everyone else wishes they could be. We are chests of secrets, treasures, poison, pain, and gold. We are what everyone else can't be. We are what everyone else is afraid to be. We are who we choose to be. We are free.